Falling Back In Fields of Tape
 Britt Brown
 

Top 10 Sort Of "Classic" Albums (on cassette) That Are Somewhat Underwhelming

There's plenty of albums that get raved about as seminal, cult-favorites,
forward-thinking, timeless, etc. And some of them (Loveless, Funhouse,
Straight Outta Compton), FUCK, that shit is AMAZING, folks can rant about
how sick they are till they die, that's fine with me. But some of them,
when you finally get around to scoping them out, leave you feelin' a
little stranded. Like, "that's it?" But I'm a million miles from being
some classic rock scribe (duh), so I don't wanna tackle dinosaurs like
Blonde On Blonde or The Velvet Underground & Nico, I'm not qualified to
weigh in on monsters like those. So this is a far, far less ambitious
undertaking, no sacred cows slain, just a list of tapes that in certain
circles get put on pedestals, but ones that I think would be better suited
placed on, say, a short stool? Or (in the worst cases) a lump of lint?

1. Talk Talk "Spirit of Eden"
A lot people treat Mark Hollis' universe like he's a British Brian Wilson.
But as my wife often puts it when we're shitting on Beach Boys fanboydom:
"Don't write "Barbara Ann" and then act like you're fucking Mozart." I
mean, Talk Talk started off cranking out barely functional new wave
bin-filler, then -- because most bands with synthesizers in the 80s seemed
to achieve some monied level of success -- had some sort of post-cash
guilt epiphany, retreated to a barn and burned their label's money (and
many aesthetic bridges) slaving over grossly indulgent (and poorly
selling) prog-pop concept albums for the rest of the decade, until their
fans abandoned them, their label dropped them, and the parties involved
quit music and the public eye. It's a classic evolution really, but again
-- it's one thing if you waste 5 million dollars remixing 65 guitar tracks
to get the perfect bliss/fuzz tone and the end result is Loveless. The
ends justify the means (most of the time). But "Spirit of Eden" OOZES
money, the production is so lush it's nauseating, the vocals are the
vainest proto-Antony breathy falsetto bullshit imaginable, there's 80
instruments on each track, yet none of them are memorable. The "I think
I’m a god" vibe's pretty easy to grasp from the song titles alone: "The
Rainbow," "Eden," "Desire," "I Believe In You," etc. You don't need to
hibernate for 5 years pondering every emotion you've ever experienced in
order to record a deeply sub-par and pretentious record of major label ego
pop. Billy Ocean squeezed nuggets like this out of his ass every other
week for over a decade, no sweat.

2. The United States Of America
This band/album gets spoken of a lot as "crazy" and "avante-garde" and
pointed out as a good example of boundary-breaking high art 60s
experimentalism, but listening to this in that context just drives home
how fucking quaint people's notions of "weird" were back then. There's a
theremin? Big deal. They pan certain sounds back and forth from the right
to left channel? Um, I'm pretty sure Bob Marley did that in like every
song. This tape's not even all that bad, really, it's just so far from
being genuinely "far out" that it deserves to be listed here. A decent
quirky pop band, I guess, with the occasional "mash up" section where a
song transitions from 60s jangle to classical strings. Which apparently
blew mindholes open in 1967 or whenever this came out.

3. Galaxie 500 "This Is Our Music"
One of those bands some people seem to care about a GREAT DEAL while the
rest of the planet just wonders "huh?" I like that the first lyric Dean
Wareham mumbles on this tape is "I wrote a poem on a dog biscuit" (I bet
Beck dug that line), but I don't really hear the profound appeal of this
crew. A couple basic rock-and-roll chords strummed really mellowly back
and forth, kinda like a bar band, with some steady drumming and the
occasional "aimless" section of the song where there's some very minor
"jamming out." It's overwhelmingly evident that Dean was DYING for this
band to sound like early Lou Reed, but you can't out-Lou Reed Lou Reed, ya
know? Plus this is the album where they were sort of "famous" (in 80s
college radio world at least), so Rough Trade dropped way too much cash
making this thing sound fancy and clean and lame, production-wise. I read
about 10 pages of Wareham's new memoir sitting in a bookstore the other
day though, I got pretty into it. That dude talks some trash! Why not?
Gotta say something.

4. Meat Puppets "II"
Don't get me wrong, this band has a LOT going for them: Arizona weirdos
lost in the punk underground (a la Sun City Girls), on SST (in its fucking
PRIME), covered by Nirvana, etc. I'm sold. But DAMN if the music just
ain't all that much at the end of the day. Millions disagree, I know, but
this really sounds more like the Supersuckers or Reverend Horton Heat than
it does some acid-fried desert wild west punks (or however they're
canonized in anthologies of fringe 80s punk music). Their accelerated
hoe-downs (and not even all that accelerated, to be honest), goofy country
bumpkin melodies, lots of generic lyrics, and wanky cowboy anthems have
not aged too well. The production is bland and competent, the
instrumentation is relentlessly traditional, and they only break into a
freaky passage about twice on the whole record. Sucks to say, but Cobain
covered their only 2 good songs on here (and he did them waaaay better).
Sorry, reality.

5. Flipper "Generic Flipper"
Thought I was gonna include this on here cause this was one of those punk
classics I finally got around to hearing like a decade later than I should
have, so when I finally grabbed a CS copy I was expecting it to be the
awesomest thing in the universe, and it's just, well....Flipper! Haha. I
mean, it's sort of their vibe to bum the listener out, and say stupid shit
in a really grating voice, and play boring chords over and over and over
and over, and never have their songs vary much or do anything, and
generally irritate the hell out of you. SO, when I first jammed this tape,
it accomplished that goal. And, foolishly, I fell into their trap, and
turned it off being like "the vocals are AWFUL." But revisiting it now I'm
getting into how grossly annoying it is, and the lyrics are retarded but
that somehow makes the whole obnoxious mood that much more potent. Should
I take this off the list? Fuck it. It sucks too, it's just done
intentionally, which might (or might not) make a difference, depending on
yr point of view.

6. Sex Pistols "The Great Rock 'N' Roll Swindle"
Definitely one of the most overrated and cheesy bands in the history of
music, no question. They're like the original Good Charlotte, really
(whatever that means). Boring rock songs about "rebellion" with all the
complexity of a Saturday morning cartoon. The truth is, a LOT of early
punk stuff is pathetic, misses the point completely, and only further
boosted the major labels' rock profiteering which the bands were allegedly
protesting AGAINST. But John Rotten "provocatively" came out as
PRO-selling out!! This, predictably, pissed off the "true punks" who for
some reason were under the impression that Johnny Rotten was pursuing his
art for aesthetic and moral reasons. He's like Vanilla Ice, or Pete Wentz,
or whoever the fuck is making shit tons of money pretending to give a shit
about the fad he's posing on the poster of. Who cares? The point is the
audio's endlessly dull. A bowl of porridge poured in slow-motion down yr
ears.

7. The Smiths "Strangeways, Here We Come"
In general this band needs to be knocked at least six rungs down the cult
rock and roll ladder, because (at least in LA) the Moz has somehow
transformed from famous rock star to living deity, spoken and written
about as though he was without a bad bone in his body (or a weak song in
his discography). And yet, here in my hand, right now, I have a tape of at
least 7 (maybe 8) genuinely hilariously dumb songs not worthy of religious
idolatry. "I Started Something I Couldn't Finish"? I mean, I know this is
the Moz's whole schtick, but give me a break, this is some phoned in shit,
by any standard. Vocals aside, this sounds like a Huey Lewis and The News
song. "Death of A Disco Dancer"? Even Echo & The Bunnymen didn't get this
fey and useless (wait, they did). Again, I gotta clarify: I'm not all
hater, "This Charming Man" is a jam, no doubt, but what the hell is going
on here? How is this "smart pop"? It's just Moz, half asleep, emptying out
diary scraps that didn't make it on their better albums. To be fair, this
was right before they broke up, maybe he was just trying to sabotage Marr
and the rest of those bastards stealing his money. Like the Wu says:
C(ash) R(ules) E(verything) A(round) M(orrissey).

8. Sebadoh “The Freed Pig”
Overall, I’m SUPER into what Sebadoh symbolizes/stands for, as a band:
no-fi 4-track messes, total fuckaroundery as a creative motto, with the
occasional blast of focused songsmithery to leaven all the indulgent
goofin’. But unfortunately, like a lotta bands/art, the concept is way
superior on the abstract plane that it is actually wiggling its way down
yr earhole. Most Sebadoh albums (except the really late ones) are
borderline – and I use the term generously – unlistenable. Again, I’m
aware that this is perhaps largely Barlow & Co.’s whole POINT, but the
reality sadly boils down to something like 88% irritation, 5% enjoyment,
7% confusion. A lot of the songs here (from what’s allegedly a fairly
archetypal Sebadoh outing) remind me mainly of like a really incompent
Ween: heavy on the wacky, short on the sincerity. Which strikes me as
pretty ironic seeing as how Lou Barlow’s come to be revered as a sort of
visionary emo spokesman, total heart-on-sleeve, feeling-over-technique to
the Nth degree kinda pioneer. But very little of this comes across as
heartfelt (or intense, or “weird”) in the least, really. That’s ok, of
course. But this record sure doesn’t seem to have aged too well. Maybe a
college radio head could wax nostalgic with a spin once a decade, but
beyond that I’m at a loss as to who could mine some pleasure outta
interacting with these tracks. Whatever. I still like this band on
principle (I may have even owned a Seb shirt back in ’92 or something?).

9. Run-DMC “Raising Hell”
This is one of those early hip-hop albums (like It Takes A Nation Of
Millions) that commonly winds up in like the top 10 when Rolling Stone or
whoever compiles those colossal/absurd “Top 100 Most Influential Records
Of All Human Time” lists. And fucking beats me if I can understand why.
Don’t get me wrong: photos of Run, DMC, and Jam-Master Jay circa 1981 or
something are DOPE SHIT. Dudes looked rad as hell, style to burn, sorta
hilarious but would’ve obviously been fun to party at one of their early
throw-downs. But OH MAN has hip-hop come a long, long way since these guys
were kings. You heard the Tha Carter III yet? That what Weezy does can
literally be described with the same verb (rapping) as what Run busts out
here is really hard to get yr brain around. The difference between what
they each attempt, and pull off, both lyrically and delivery-wise is just
unspeakable. Basically every track is the same tempo, the same mood, the
same Dr. Seuss rhyme scheme, and draws from the same small pile of tame,
tame topics. “My Adidas?” Cute, sure, but it sounds like a Sesame Street
skit. “Raising Hell” raises nothing but yawns. I’m into “You Be Illin’”
cause the tempo’s slightly different and it sounds funny when they say the
chorus over and over but when it ranks side-by-side with Physical
Graffitti and Nevermind on “Serious Music” lists, I just feel baffled. A
neat stepping stone in the infancy era of hip-hop, I GUESS, but even
that’s being awfully optimistic. But if they put together a “Best Dressed
Early 80s Rap Group From Queens, NY,” I would happily kick ‘em a gold
medal.

10. Melvins “Eggnog”
I feel slightly half-hearted about this entry, because the Melvins are one
of those bands who – though I’ve never really fallen in love with any one
album of theirs – I still sorta dig on principle. I love that they’ve
spent 2 decades-plus questing after some mythical holy grail meshing of
“heavy & weird” that King Buzzo must have dreams about at night. Record
after record keeps pummeling out esoteric permutations of the same stoner
elements, and Eggnog is pretty widely heralded as one of their top 3 best
full-lengths, and it’s only due to the intensity of the praise surrounding
this classic that I’m including it here. Because, it is good…it’s just
that it should be GREAT. And maybe it is, and I’m just not enough of a
Melvins scholar to recognize it as the pinnacle achievement that it is.
But also: maybe not. I can’t deny that every song leaves me wanting the
songs to get heavier, and weirder, and more memorable, and more fucked up,
etc. But overall I keep just being reminded of a slightly superior Mr.
Bungle, basically. Again, maybe that’s harsh, but for a band with this
deep a library of freaked out experimental metal, you would hope that –
despite the inevitable highs and lows of their overall discography – their
peaks would hit you harder, and be solid from start to finish. Which this
doesn’t really strike me as being. Oh well. I don’t hold it against them.
I met Buzzo one time at the Rose Bowl fleamarket and he was buying a weird
gold ashtray/bowl thing, and his hair was insane looking, and he was
smiling. It made my day.